Struggling with valuing my thoughts.

Always being aware of that a change has to come from a person within, I find myself waiting and hoping for change. I know I can’t change someone but I trust the change will come especially since I hear from my partner that he wants to change. I can think good thoughts of compassion and understanding but then when there is no change resentment inside me starts building.

This happened with an old boyfriend who smoked pot everyday. For me this was a problem and he said he wanted to stop. I believed him and 5 years went by without him stopping. I ended up loosing respect for him and broke up. Now I am married since 6.5 years and my husband is not interested in sexual intimacy. It started when I was 6 months pregnant and during the last 7 years we have had sex about 6 times. He has said how he like us to have more sex and say we will when he is not so stressed, when he feels better, when he doesn’t feel sick etc, etc. It is not easy to communicate with him and when attempting to he gets upset and says I make a big deal out of something small. This is so hard and has been so frustrating. It has been for me an emotional roller coaster of feeling rejected, not valued, insecure, hurt, unsatisfied and angry. I have blamed him and kind of want him to know how much he has hurt me and for him to want take some responsibility, for Gods sake, I am his wife. Part of me thinks he is self absorbed and when someone told me that it was considered a form of abuse to withhold sex in a marriage I was like ” Yes, that is so true” I have felt like a victim and been just hoping for him to “wake up” but I am grasping more and more the reality that it will not happen. I know I can take responsibility of my own thoughts in this and move forward in stopping to feel like a victim and soon feel I can let go of blaming him.

I am trying to think what to do. I know I am not wanting to live my life without sex, I don’t even want to have sex with him. I look at him and I see a roommate, the father to our child. A person that I want to change lot. I could possibly stay married to him and be fine, stay so that I know my son will grow up with both his mom and dad under the same roof. The thought of divorce and the possible pain it will cause my son hurts so much. I know you will say “It is my thoughts and I can choose to think differently, there is no fact that my son will feel any pain” this is something I do have to consider.

Ultimately, I think I have a problem of validating my own thoughts or feelings and somehow think I am ok with waiting. How do I go about value what my thoughts are if I can’t change them without feeling guilty? How do I give myself the right to my thoughts and feelings when I think my actions and results will lead to other peoples pain?