I am having a hard time finding a way to be supportive of myself but also keep myself from being super lazy. I talked with a coach yesterday about the fact that the monthly scholars materials really stress me out. I have genuinely a pretty packed schedule most days and finding time for “homework” has been kind of a pain. So it’s not done, and I hate that it’s not done, because it makes me feel badly about myself that I’m not getting everything done. My coach suggested, astutely, that I was choosing to use the tools in the scholars toolbox to beat myself in the face. Lol. Not untrue. So I did some writing after that and talked to myself the way I would talk to my kids; basically telling myself to cut myself some slack, that I am incredibly productive and hard working (true) and that I am getting exactly what I need to get done in scholars at this point in time in my life. Which felt good.
Then, after dinner what I did was to binge eat tootsie rolls and tortilla chips. I haven’t done any binge eating in months, haven’t even wanted to. But it’s like once I started being nicer to myself some part of my brain decided that I just shouldn’t work so hard in general. I should take ‘er easy and eat a bunch of stuff because it tasted good and I didn’t want to fight it.
Where is the balance there? How do I not bash myself for only having so many hours in the day but still push myself to not be lazy in my thinking and eating? Because if I cut myself some slack apparently what I do is eat and watch tv instead of getting crap done. And of course now I’m just frustrated with myself again. I have always pushed myself pretty hard, and the thing is that I have a pretty great life as a result. I have evidence that that model works. I would love to learn to be nicer to myself, less judgmental, but now I’m afraid to be more supportive, because look where that got me!