My estranged spouse is in the house three nights a week. I’m working on cleaning up my thoughts and expectations. It’s work with moments of grace, but I can descend into physical panic and flight-or-fight comes up in my body.

Unintentional
C: G is here in the house when I want to work
T: I can’t work when he’s here
F: Panic
A: scurry around, unfocused, distracted, tense in most of what I do, looking over my shoulder to see if he’s finally left
R: don’t get things done, relationship deteriorates more

Considering an intentional model my body can go into so much fight or flight I find it difficult to think, or to consider an alternative emotion. I want to keep myself open even as I find a way to work when he’s around. My pattern has been to pull on my ample strength and fortify around myself to get things done, but that shuts parts of me off. Its no good for my work or life for me to be closed off or compartmentalized. I don’t want that anymore.

I found these intriguing words on a list online.
– absorbed (in my work so it doesn’t matter if he’s there or not)
– understanding (of whatever’s going on in him that triggers me so much I feel like I can’t breathe when he’s in the room. That’s a thought for me to work, “I can’t breathe when he’s in the room.”)
– Ditto on understanding for myself, thought it doesn’t take me to the “get my work done” result
– Brave (I still feel small with this)

This panic comes up a lot. The world doesn’t see always see it, but I feel it.

Intentional – help please.
C: G is here in the house when I want to work
T:
F:
A:
R: Complete my work, comfortable with myself, responsive to the family