T: I’m not self sufficient

I’m currently kind of panicking because I keep having the thought that I’m not self sufficient. I recently quit a really well paying job to start a coaching business, and I’m not yet making money. In fact I’ve been on vacation for the last four weeks, which I believe I deserve. I have saved a significant amount of money.

My boyfriend is a very successful entrepreneur and he makes millions of dollars a year.

I am finding that I’m feeling “second” to him. Like, I’m not pulling my weight. I get this really sick feeling in my stomach when I think about. Ring the “support” person in a relationship. I want to be the main character in my own life.

Today he told me that his entrepreneur friends were saying the most important factor in their success is marrying a girl who is fun in bed, and it really bugged me. It made me feel like, although I believe I AM fun in bed, that I’m just a supporting role in his life. I’m here to make him successful.

I guess all of this is a roundabout way of saying that I feel like I am losing myself in relationship. I feel like I’m not as important as he is, and that what he wants comes first because he makes so much more money than me. Sometimes it makes me want to leave the relationship so that I can have things my way. I feel….so….dependent on him, like a child.

I liked feeling like an independent woman. I had my own house, my own dreams, my own everything. And now i feel like im just an accessory. It makes me feel terrified.

I want my main character energy back. I feel like even when I talk to his friends, I just don’t have my zest anymore.

C: social engagement with boyfriends friends
T: I am just an accessory
F: diminished, invisible
A: I am quiet. I don’t speak up. I don’t proudly state what I do. I cower. I want to leave.
R: I become an accessory

I don’t want to just be here for his pleasure. I want to be my own person. Then I think maybe I shouldn’t be dating until my business is running. I feel suffocated.

How can I have main character energy in this situation? I can’t keep telling myself that “I’m just starting to build my business” because I know that’s gonna keep me stuck in baby coach mode.

I’d have to believe that I’m worthy. I’d have to step into the $2M coach mindset. But I almost go into a panic response when I think about it.

Maybe my first step is to be with the panic. Tell myself “this is a trauma response, and it’s okay to allow the feelings of panic. I’m an adult and I can handle it”.

Actually, that does feel like the first step for me. To recognize that I’m in a stuck trauma response and allow myself to feel the vibrations.

C: vibrations of panic in body
T: this is a trauma response, I can handle this now that I am a grown up.
F: willing
A: feel the vibration in my body without having to resort to thinking about it
R: I handle the sensation and get new insights. I move through my stuck ness.

I think sometimes I overreact and intellectuals my emotions to keep from feeling them. If I could be with the panic, maybe I wouldn’t be here writing so many models about it trying to get it to go away.