Take 3 – TTC

Now this is getting comical – I keep hitting submit without finishing! Third time’s a charm.

My husband and i have been trying to conceive for 6 months and we are not yet pregnant. We’re doing everything we can to maximize our chances, but to no avail. I felt especially devastated this month because i was actually experiencing pregnancy like symptoms and am still not pregnant. And, I’ve been to the doctor. They’ve told me everything is fine and that the only way to find out otherwise it’s to keep trying. That means 6 more months of trying but that feels unbearable. I am tired of the anticipation of trying and then only to discover I’m not pregnant again. I want more than anything to be pregnant now.

I’m also struggling with modeling this out since the desired result – bring pregnant – is out of my control. Regardless of what I do, think, feel, I still might not ever become pregnant. And I’m not ok with that. It’s infuriating that so much is out of my control.

Here is my unintentional model: Right now my C is: trying to conceive for 6 months and not pregnant. My T is: I don’t know if I’ll ever get pregnant. My F is: despair. My A: obsess over getting pregnant; be impatient; be stressed out; read books about getting pregnant; push for medical intervention earlier; try to look for something wrong with my fertility; argue with my husband about what to do; for the result, I don’t know what it would be – I could end up pregnant or not, but I would certainly put myself through hell in this model.

I recognize that if I ultimately don’t control the outcome of becoming pregnant, that stressing out so much about it doesn’t serve me. I want to feel patient with this process and with myself and my husband. I want to let go of that which I can’t control – but again, my desired result of being pregnant might never materialize. I just have no idea of what will happen. Can you please help me with my intentional model?