Tantrums


I’m trying to figure out how to relate to my mind when it throws tantrums.

I’ve lived most of my life deciding what to do based on how I feel in the moment, with the exceptions of meetings and mandatory appointments. I’m working to offer myself compassion as I start to make decisions on purpose ahead of time, and follow that through.

My brain is throwing a lot of tantrums as I do this. I notice that right now I often I give in, and buffer or procrastinate or do something other than what I planned. Sometimes when I don’t give in, the tantrum eases, and I’m able to accomplish something with relative mental calm. Other times, it’s like there is a toddler screaming in the background the entire time I do it.

I feel like a parent who wakes up with a 4 year old they didn’t set boundaries with for 2 years. Setting boundaries and parenting better will take time for the toddler to get used to. And as the parent struggles to enforce and not give into the tantrums, the kid continually tests limits, truly believing the boundaries won’t hold.

My toddler brain does not believe my boundaries.

I’m running a lot of models, and I have some belief ladders going. But I’m wondering how to relate to the toddler screaming in the background.

Some of my thoughts about it…
-the screaming should stop by now
-what am I doing wrong that the toddler is still screaming?
-will the toddler always scream?
-is this how it’s supposed to feel?
-do I really want this result in my life if I have a toddler screaming constantly?