I have listened over and over again to the segment of a recent coaching call where Brooke coaches me on wanting a relationship. I’ve been single nearly ten years, and I thought my impossible goal was to find a relationship. She correctly guessed that there were relationships available to me.
In a nutshell, she said my work was to practice loving and allowing myself to be loved by the man who COULD love me. Instead of doing that work to change myself, she pointed out, I go after men who don’t have the capacity to love me and want them to change. WOW.
When I think on positive attributes of the friend who does pursue me, I feel a friendly liking. Keyword there is FRIENDLY.
When I think about intimacy or relationship with them, I feel completely repulsed, offended, and doomed. It’s odd because in my earliest romances, I would “settle” for available relationships because I wanted to avoid being alone. I came through the work on myself to learn how to be alone, seeing as how it was a diversion from self-development and also incredibly unfair to the other person.
I now have spent some time sitting with models and feeling repulsion through. I get that, in a secure, intimate relationship, there will be friendly liking and there will be repulsion and other “negative” emotions, and that will all be my work.
But I also think Brooke and other people are attracted to their partners at least marginally, at least on some level. I do not believe my attraction function is broken! At least not irreparably.
I summon thee, great coaches, what doest thou seeist in me, wherein I am yet blind??? LOL.