Telling Myself The Truth (Part 1)

This was a thought download: I’m ready to stop hiding from myself. I’m ready to be done feeling the pain I’ve created by buying into a belief system that keeps me on the outside and disconnected. It’s always been there as far back as kindergarten, just feeling different, measuring, comparing and never being proud of myself or feeling comfortable or confident in myself. I feel like I have to fix it or get out of it, but I know it’s not about fixing it or getting out of it. There’s that “others are normal,” and “that’s just normal,” even as simple as a couple posting pictures of each other online. Normal. I’ve never had that. I’ve wanted it. My lens has decided everything. I’m done blaming others (my parents, my past relationships that didn’t work out) because blaming them for my feelings gives them power and me none. It leaves me once again assigning my worth in someone else’s hands.

So there’s this MAJOR realization of the root cause of my pain and the decisions I’ve made from this place.

Main Beliefs:

I have to work harder than others “to get it.”

Others have it easier. I struggle. They don’t as much.

I envy them and have made it mean there’s something wrong with me because they have what I want (sneaky sentences: must be nice, what’s that like, how normal)

I don’t see myself or celebrate my own goodness

I don’t trust myself but rely on others to make me feel accepted and worthy

How this carries over in relationships:

I’ll just work harder to make it fit and do all of the work

If I love you the way I want to be loved, you’ll do it back

I pick emotionally unavailable, dishonest men who don’t actually want marriage/partner/best friend and kids together because I haven’t been telling myself the truth. I haven’t been totally emotionally available to/for myself.

All of this has brought me to today and where I am now.

On one hand, I’m really happy to be finally telling myself the truth about my deeply upsetting thoughts from childhood and the way I see myself and how I feel about myself. Yesterday I felt a calmness that I haven’t felt in months. Where I struggle is now that I know all of this is sitting in my own thoughts with it. I want to change it and fix it and cover it up by going into action mode and doing things, but keep repeating the same pain cycle in my relationships and in my career (which I’ll ask about in the Business section)

Where to go from here? I feel like I am rewiring 38 years of programming….

Thank you for your help!