Thanksgiving with the in-laws-HELP!


My husband and I have been married for 25 years and I still love him very much. I have issues with his family, which I know hurts my hubby-he has a strong connection to his family. (Every year my relationship with his family deteriorates a little more) and would love to figure this out – but I am stuck. Hubby grew up with two alcoholic parents and 4 siblings. It is always a chaotic environment and one that I am very uncomfortable in going to (or hosting at our house), but did – up until 2 years ago. I consider myself much better in one-on-one quiet environments. The father (age 88) is still an alcoholic and all of the kids (including my hubby) have continued to enable and support his alcoholic state…. My manual is very different than their manual….I’m more a tough love person and believe if 25 years ago they let him hit rock bottom – things would be different. Would love to just leap to that place of unconditional love (sounds amazingly peaceful) – but the hurt runs very deep and my thoughts/feelings are in spin mode and frankly, just don’t understand how to get there.
Was told by my hubby that family matters and that they are always there for you in a time of need (which was my “Why” for going there all these years)…but when I had a health crisis 2 years ago (breast cancer) and 3 surgeries later…his family was no where to be found…despite the endless meals that I made for them, thoughtful gifts, the housing that I found for his bi-polar/alcoholic brother, and all the events (funerals, baptisms, birthdays, holidays, etc..) that I went to over the past 25 years. My “Why” for going there, has gone…going just because it means so much to my husband, despite my love for him, is not working for me. I did agree to go this year for Thanksgiving-mainly because after talking to a coach – she said to go there with a curious state…and I am inspired to resolve this and get to that “unconditional love” place.

So that is the background. Now I’m doing a model on two thoughts related to Thanksgiving (there are sooo many thoughts…but thought I’d start with just two) and need help:
Unintentional model:
Circumstance: Dinner at Brother-in-law’s on Thursday
Thoughts: Hubby will turn into a 12-year old and desperately try to seek the attention of his dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional family stays to themselves and literally leaves the room to form their own conversations leaving anyone that did not grow up with them excluded.
Feelings: ignored and unloved and wondering why I came in the first place
Actions: retreat into myself, angry at husband
Result: feel isolated and alone, despite the roomful of people.

Intentional model:
Circumstance: Dinner at Brother-in-law’s on Thursday
Thoughts: Hubby is excited to see his family and he will be anxious to get caught up with them
Feelings: I cannot lean on him for support since he will be busy (But still don’t have a WHY as to the reason to go there, if he is all-consumed in getting caught up with his family and I’m ignored by hubby when I’m there…and his family is not supportive to me – they just take….WHY go??)
Actions: I engage in conversations without Hubby
Result: Maybe have a good time…maybe learn something new…?

Another model for thanksgiving:
Unintentional:
Circumstance: Dinner at brother-in-law’s on Thursday
Thoughts: Have to deal with his father’s alcoholic snide comments/actions
Feelings: Hurt, rejected, angry
Action: Spend the time trying to avoid the father.
Result: Uncomfortable and irritated

Intentional: Dinner at brother-in-law’s on Thursday
Thoughts: His father is mentally ill (but that even creates anger…my manual believes that he could have gotten help over the past 25 years if his family did not enable him…) Model falls apart from there….
Feeling:
Action:
Result: Peace. Not impacted by father.

Also…Any new perspective on getting to that blissful “unconditional love state” would be welcome. Thanks!