I see that I need to work on my inner world. I noticed three aspects of myself.
An inner child that’s a girl who has a very helpless and hopeless attitude towards life and approaches anything she tries with this attitude and has a constant need for validation. She believes others can harm her, and she can harm herself. I have a history of being molested and attempting suicide. So she thinks to protect herself from these extremes, she needs someone to shame her out of hopelessness and despair.
I have this other aspect of me that is child also but a boy and couple years older than her. His role is to shame her, judge her and tell her she is good for nothing and can’t amount to anything. I had role models as a child that showed me this is the way to get me to do things in life.
So when this little girl gets shamed, she fights back. She goes out to prove this boy wrong. She approaches things with forceful energy. She uses terms like determined and becoming the expert as weapons to show that she is not weak and can get what she wants.
Then there is me, the observer, who watches this play out in each situation. It made me wonder what would cause a child to split herself in two, and was this really who she was? Life for her has become very heavy, with lots of rules and expectations, constant need to be validated and approved, and always afraid she will never get what she wants. But she wasn’t like this.
The little girl is playful, joyous, full of life, at ease; her life is light and full of laughter. But she was constantly ridiculed as a child and told there was something wrong with her, she was laughed at, and her own family member took advantage of her innocence. So now she is scared. She doesn’t know if she can be strong without being shamed.
What if love ruins you? What if shame is needed to get you to do things? But love can’t ruin you. Love can only do good. It is a shame that it is ruining her.
I am learning to hold space for both these aspects of me. I am showing them that I am here for them. They don’t trust me. Because I have abandoned them in the past. I have a history of dissociating from my body. But I am ready to start where I am and build this relationship. I want to show them it’s ok for them to be who they are, and I can love them and be there for them.
Can you recommend any other daily practice for me to help me on this journey?