The fear in Love


It’s a long one…. LOL

In love relationships I’m very uncomfortable caring for a man deeply & being vulnerable to it not working out and the hurt that can come. I am great single and on my own but when I have a man into my life things seem to fall apart. I know the 50/50 but I do not like the down 50 and it feels more like 60/40 lol. I now understand this is due to my negative thoughts and reacting from that space.

Currently I’m in a relationship and noticing the same pattern and negative thought loops. I’m now in month 2 of SCS and growing, trying to break free of some old patterns. It’s taking a lot more work than expected but I’m down for the challenge so that I can show up as my best self in all areas of my life.
Here’s a model that I currently have:

UM
C: Notice that I overanalyze and overthink about boyfriend daily
T: It is not healthy to be this attached to a man
F: Anxious
A: I want to push away, detach, I shame myself, I don’t focus on work, I ruminate, I wear my friends out by talking with him so much about it, I’m emotional, I try to control him, I try to control the relationship and where it is going, seek outside validation, try to fix myself.
R: I get more attached out of fear, I prove my thought true?

What would love do?
Be kinder to myself. Have compassion.

IM
C: Notice that I overanalyze and overthink about boyfriend daily
T: I must have it in me somewhere to show up differently in this relationship
F: Hopeful
A: I believe in myself, love myself, let some of the stress go, self coach vs calling friends, less pressure on self and relationship, clear mind to focus better.
R: Learning a new way of processing

The IM seems so beautiful and I can almost feel that freedom but I then think, “How am I ever going to get there because of so many years of having the other pattern?” Maybe similar to someone thinking, “How am I ever going to stop drinking?!”
Am I on the right path with all of this? Is it just a compassion for self thing? Any words of guidance would be super helpful, thank you!