The fear of something terrible happening to my son.

My son is transgender. He was born a girl, but has said he is a boy since he was 3 years old. He is 5 now and has lived happily as a boy since september 2017. It makes no difference to us as parents, we’ve never had a problem with it, and of course love him just as much regardless of gender. Likewise his extended family. His friends also accept it, and all the parents of his friends. And preschool. He has received only love. So far we have been able to protect him. The drama-neighbor’s son is the only one that teases him and calls him a girl, but that’s expected, it’s just a new flavor for him to tease about, he has his own issues and will find something to tease anyone and everyone about (fact).

I have two fears about his future. One is the increased risk of depression and suicide linked to transgender issues. We are doing all we can to support him to reduce those risks. Support from family and friends, and being allowed to and supported in living the true gender identity from a young age, substantially reduces risk of depression and suicide (fact, research shows). So long as he will talk to us and open up about how he feels, I think we can do great risk mitigation there.

But hate crime. I cannot control what other people will say and do to him. I fear he will be seriously injured or murdered. We probably live in the safest place possible for transgender people, even so. I know that I cant control what will happen, I can only love him unconditionally no matter what.

When I successfully manage my mind, I am grateful for all that has happened to me, because it makes me very competent to be the best support he can have. I was brutally bullied for 5 years. I had my first suicidal thought at age 8 because of it. I survived. I know what it’s like to hate your body so much you want to die. My struggle with body is weight, not gender, but I’ve hated my body enough to want to die all through my adolescence. I dreamed of dying of anorexia before my 14th birthday. My only wish for my funeral was that people would say “look how thin she is”. I survived. I can support him in his struggles with body dysphoria. My first to girlfriends were girlfriends, not boyfriends. My husband is the odd one out of that crowd. I have felt the fear of hate crime on my body. I survived. I can be the best support he will ever have in facing hate. I even love my drama neighbor and all the shit her kids have put mine through, it has made them and me stronger to protect my kids from people with far more dangerous intentions.

But I’m scared. I love my son so much and want to protect him. I know suffering is part of life. I just dont want him to be terribly injured or killed, or to struggle so much that he ends his life. I have tried models, but havent nailed it yet. I think my intentional model might be the one to aim for eventually, but it’s not working yet.

C: Son
T: I fear what will happen to you
F: Scared/Lost/Powerless
A: Cry
R: Worry of something that may never happen, and that I cant control, taking away time and love from this moment.

C: Son
T: All I can do is love you unconditionally, and I love you to the stars and back (starts are further away than the moon)
F: Love
R: I love my son in this moment.