The Love is Here And Also This Calling

I feel like there’s been an inner knowing in me that I want to emerge from my current relationship and it’s growing stronger.

There are many benefits of being together. We are very fond of each other, are best friends, have fun together – I love him dearly dearly. And he loves me. And, when I think of being on my own again, it gives me a thrill. Able to meet people on my own. Able to connect with people who are like me in ways that he’s not. Who find the conversation I offer juicy and inspiring, who share back. To potentially find someone whom I’m really attracted to sexually who feels the same for me.

I think since losing 20lbs (Thanks, Scholars!) and starting to get to sufficiency in my business and financially, I’ve let myself start to even begin dreaming. Because before that I felt like the relationship was my raft, my safety. And I think he’d felt that way too.

Now he’s also thriving, creating great music, in a great job with a promotion.

So, I guess what I’m realizing now is that maybe I’m ready to start facing this calling within. But it feels … very unknown. Thing is I still really really love him and it pains me to think of not sharing a life, not being part of each other’s lives. But this feeling has been with me the whole of our 5 years together, that there’s something ever so slightly not clicked in. There’s been a part of me that’s really wanted to be happy with this and go for the baby thing together – he’s such a wonderful person and would be a very kind husband and parent. But then there’s this other part that wants to explore, that feels there’s something more aligned – for each of us – out there, and that we’ve both been holding on a bit to each other like life rafts till we can swim confidently on our own.

I guess this is all to say… I’m not sure how to start supporting myself to open up to moving on. There’s still the part that says no maybe stay and just be together. Or have an open relationship. Or maybe I just keep focusing on being the fullest, most self loving, most aware I can be and just let things take course in their own time?

I guess my ideal ideal would be that I could have the space to explore this calling to be on my own and be able to get a clear answer for myself on this. And then to be able to move with certainty and love forward in whatever direction was then clear. I do know whatever happens the love between me and my partner is forever. So maybe if I could lean into that more and also give myself space to explore. Concrete steps on this not yet clear.

Any feedback greatly appreciated! Thank you.