The Negative 50%

I know life is 50/50 and ever since I had kids, I’ve struggled with my cultural beliefs about what I as a mother should do – stay at home with them or work/build a business. I’m constantly sabotaging myself and it’s something that is holding me back to do either.

When I’m with them, I love them so hard and think I should build a business because that’s how I want them to see me. When I’m working my 9-5, I’m missing them so hard and want to throw everything away, quit my job and stay home. I can make the latter work so it’s not about money.

Then when I decide I’m going to stay at my 9-5 because I work less than 30 hours, mostly work from home, make 6 figures and due to Monday Hour One I know I can work on a business of my own I start questioning my motives. To be frank, I want even more money but then limiting beliefs start coming up about why I’m being greedy and how my kids don’t need more money but instead more time with me.

The result is that I don’t start my business because I’m not taking action because I’m feeling fearful of both scenarios – putting myself out there to start a business (my face on the internet) and staying home full time and throwing the idea out of what’s possible for me and my family.

My 2 kids are in great hands – I have an amazing nanny that is the absolute best and she also happens to be a long-time friend of ours and my kids love her so much. I also have an amazing job in terms of perks/money/benefits/flexibility for the hours I put in. I sometimes think that because I’m comfortable and don’t feel the sense of urgency because looking at the outside in I have an ideal situation. But inside me, I have always felt that more was possible, just always felt like I was “dreaming” and needed to wake up.

I haven’t quit my job to stay home because I know I have a good balance but the negative 50% of the current situation (missing on time with my kids) prevents me from taking action on starting a business. Also, the thought of putting my face on the internet because I’m self conscious about my face chicken pox scars. I’ve worked through lots of material and rearranged my time to make time for working on a business and I notice that fear is keeping me from moving forward with either decision, but especially starting a business because I feel like deep in my core that’s what I need to do.

I tend to think that in the long run having a business will give me more flexibility and time with my kids. That’s also a thought that I question because I also think that making good money in a business requires lots of hours and hard work.

I find myself making up excuses for not taking action – to dos, not enough content, not feeling well, face is puffy, I should exercise or get this other project done instead. How do I move away from this? I feel like a pinball with the 50/50. I go back and forth and don’t move forward.