The part about having complete control over my R

I have some thoughts and feelings every time I hear from a coach that I am in control over my R. I feel shame. I think that it’s not fair (or something along those lines). I haven’t figured out the exact T yet, but I know the feeling in my stomach and throat. it feels like shame and that frustration I get when I think that I do not know how to do something. I feel shame, anger, frustration… As a feminist, women’s and gender studies professor, and new (just starting my biz – 0 revenue at this point) I do not want to abdicate my thoughts, feelings, results, and life to anyone else, but then I just wish that someone would come and help me. I have some resistance to knowing that I have control over my results. I’d love some coaching on this. Thanks!
C – R line
T – I don’t want to be responsible for my R (not fair)
F – shame
A – remember the ways I’ve been victimized in my life (father’s death, mentally ill mother, poverty, and I could go on because that list is an easy go to for me), think that it’s not fair that I’m responsible for my R because that feels like I need to blame myself or be mean to myself. then I get start to dive into self-pity. Then I don’t do any work on my business and sit with all these feelings in my stomach, chest, and throat. The feelings spin between shame and anger. Then I want to say fuck and just throw in the towel on my business or whatever it is that’s on my mind.
R – I abdicate responsibility of my life to the past or victim mentality