The river of misery

First, I’d like to know if there is a specific module somewhere in the vault about the river of misery.

How long does it last, how do I know when it will end, how to not drown.  I had a good cry while self-coaching.  I’m stopping buffering with food now while growing my coaching business.  Both of these are bringing negative beliefs to the surface.  I’m working on not punishing myself with self-coaching and layering judgment on top of thoughts.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I’m in a place where I feel like the river of misery is awareness of all my thoughts, not knowing what is real, where I’ve gone wrong, and brain patterns of self-hatred.

I’m here and present through it all.  I signed up for the river, and I’m committed to wading through it.  But I’m also concerned.  I’m wanting to escape my life.  Not in a suicidal way, but by sleeping in, not doing the daily things.  This is something I have not wanted to do in 10 years, when I was diagnosed with severe seasonal depression.  It feels a little bit like that right now.  I am feeling like I’m drowning.  Sometimes I believe it’s supposed to be this hard.  Sometimes I get caught off guard.  I judge myself for not catching the thoughts sooner.  I’m a coach.  I also judge myself for not being able to think or feel my way out of things.

I feel awful.  I want to feel better.  I want to be more willing and able to handle difficult emotions.  On a daily basis, I feel fear, overwhelm and exhaustion as my top 3 emotions.  I can see, of course, no wonder why with the above being my daily talk track.  Yet my self coaching sessions are short-lived.  I’m not 100% on protocol but I am so dang close and proud of myself for what I am able to do.

Im not sure what my question is, but here are 2 models I experienced today:
C: 1 AM, I am awake
T: This is what the river of misery feels like
F: Peace
A: Loads of ACTUAL self coaching vs buffering self coaching
R: I’m present in the river of misery

C: Writing Copy for business
T: It’s too hard
F: Defeat
A: Avoid making post, avoid reaching out and engaging, judge myself for inability, drink whiskey hot chocolate off protocol, escape my life and go against the goals I’ve made for this month in my business, not figure out who my people are and take steps towards progressing in business.
R: I’m too hard on myself