I have had over five years straight of continuous trauma. My parents became ill, I was caretaking them and got my new dream job. Meanwhile my husband of 15 years cheated on me and told me he was done. I have two sons – 14 and 22 at the time. Long story short – I lost my marriage (and I deeply loved him), my creative partner, my financial capabilities, my dream job, eventually some of my community and best friends, and in the divorce my birth dad, gave up the house, moved two hours away to a city and started over to go to graduate school and live with my new partner, ultimately to be away for my teenage son, with debt and horrendous grief. I lost my core group of girlfriends I have known for 30 years because I have felt they have not been here for me – and even when my dad died – not one of them has even sent a card. Long stories but hard loss. My mother diagnosed with cancer and ALZ and my stepfather with diabetes an lung cancer – come to this year – we had crisis after crisis, after 5 months of super difficult and expensive months that were horrible – we lost my stepfather in February. I am in the Seattle area – it was followed by Covid – so we have been the first in the nation to have stay at home orders… And again, lost my work (nannying sweet children – a baby I watched since she was 3 months), have struggled with my grad school (going all online and it’s very expensive!), postponing with no ideas for our wedding (was going to be June 27), can’t see my mother in memory care – and I am the closest with her – the youngest, my eldest son moved in which changed life for my partner and I – our privacy etc. and now – well, I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder (rheumatoid arthritis) after pain, bloodwork, X-rays and a crazy month of May with acute unknown allergic reaction. I have had about 7 blood tests, an EKG, stress echocardiogram, multiple appointments and a ton of drugs. I am in pain, I am tired, I am disappointed, I am half hearted, I am poor, I am grieving, I am feeling fairly alone, I am frustrated, as a mom I feel powerless, I have baggage and feel weighed down, exhausted. With a new autoimmune problem. I am in a counseling track program for grad school (art therapy). At this moment I can only afford one month for scholars. The rug has been pulled out from under me and I am trying to restart my life – it is full of intensity in every direction and I need some good back. I have my blessings – but even on a level girlfriends I feel betrayed and lost – in a lot of hurt. I want to make a life and be independent – I am still recovering from the awful divorce and multiple traumas. I miss my dad, my stepdad, my 17 year old son, my work, my classroom, my wedding dream and my mom. My health. My creative energy and I miss those who have left my life from some horrific deaths – by suicide, by murder, by accidents, from addiction, from cancer. I have been experiencing it all – I need to know how to move forward. I feel the rug has been pulled out from under me repeatedly.
I am of sound and hopeful and resilient mind, I have a therapist – (but she just told me she has to move! because of Covid – transferred her husbands job – so we only have three sessions left) and good doctors. I am strong, creative and usually happy. This has all been too much for too long.