The scale (trt)

I have so much drama around the scale. If I dont see it moving down, I beat myself up for being a failure. If it starts going down quickly (as it did tbis week when I finally started following my protocol), I freak out that I am not ready and I sabbotage my efforts until it goes back up. I have a lot of theories around why, mostly that i do not deserve to have a good relationship, successful business and a gorgeous body all at the same time. Also I have some parenting shame around my 10 year old son who is really struggling and has decided to stay with his dad until we figure out how best to help him. So my other thought is “how can i be so selfish to do this thing for myself when my son is struggling”.

And i dont think it honestly matters what circumstances were happening, i would find a way to have drama around thr scale regardless. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.