I believe I’m not good at love because when my husband does something I don’t like I judge him harshly and I can’t feel my love for him. When I’m in that space if he asks me if I love him I can’t honestly say yes. When I have calmed down and that time has passed then I know that I do love him. But even then my mind says yes, but I don’t love this about him.
I feel the same about my father. I love him but when I think about him I have judgment and irritation rather than love as my first feelings.
I want to feel love for them regardless of their actions, but I think there’s a part of me that thinks then they will take advantage or get worse.
My example for this is when my husband is drunk. He will sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night because he is drunk and has forgotten to be quiet.
Or he may become very argumentative and argue a point badly and incessantly.
I feel anger when he does these things. My thought is he shouldn’t be doing that. Or I shouldn’t have to live with this.
The anger blocks my love for him.
Even when the weekend is over and he is back to being his sober nice self I am still walking around with that anger/resentment which means I still can’t feel love or express love and we get driven apart by my actions driven by those feelings.
And then I think we should break up because I don’t really love him – as if there is a deep-down truth about whether I really love him or not. Although I know Brooke teaches love is something we create with our thoughts. And I’m just creating anger and resentment.
How do I still choose love in these difficult moments so I can have a happy marriage?
Or do I somehow feel anger and love at the same time?
It probably sounds silly but I feel very confused by this.