So I’ve been trying to be ‘kinder’ to myself and try to be more curious and just understand the ‘why’ behind the times when I do still buffer or not do the things I plan to do (rather than just getting angry and frustrated with myself!).
There does seems to be a bit of a pattern – the times when I buffer and don’t follow through on my planned actions falls into one of these three scenarios:
1 – I am resisting something and I get a specific feeling of anxiety and overwhelm which I want to avoid. This seems to really only occur when I try to push myself into doing something more ‘difficult’ (usually related to my IG, where I know I am still struggling with self belief that I can do it).
2 – I am exhausted through not sleeping (I have a problem with insomnia) and struggle with concentration / commitment to keep going even with smaller routine activities – so I stop pushing myself and call it ‘self-care’
3 – There is no resistance or feeling of anxiety, and I’m not exhausted – but I choose to buffer because its habitual and the easy option… this mainly occurs as a follow on from when I’ve already started buffering because of scenario 1 or 2 – ie I just continue because it is easier then stopping, standing back, starting over….
The first scenario I think I understand that I need to work on my ‘why’ for the IG – my belief and commitment. (Is that right?) It is the latter two scenarios that are harder to accept / understand.
The third scenario I think is about learning to keep my commitments to myself.
The second scenario is the harder one for me. What is the best way to think about insomnia / physical tiredness – and accept it but keep going? I have had a number of health issues in the past, and the continued insomnia has made it hard to fully get past these; it keeps me feeling ‘fragile’ even though I know I’m a lot healthier than I was a year or so ago. There is a point where you need to look after yourself – but I don’t want to keep using ‘self-care’ as an excuse. And I can see that when I’m exhausted I fall into a pattern of thinking really negatively. Suggestions?
