Alright, got a bit of a doozy for ya!

I’ve been working with Therapist A for about a year & a half now .. & I’ve had a pretty intense crush on him for a little over a year now. I’ve learned to normalize this for myself as “falling in love with your therapist” is actually quite common. It’s very much out in the open between us & at first, it was kinda cool, helpful, & informative because it was a bit like exposure therapy in the way that we got to talk about the presenting issue as it was happening in real time.

A bit of background: I have a tendency to want what I can’t have because when I don’t get it, it reinforces a childhood narrative that I’m inadequate or that there’s something wrong with me. With this therapist, I obviously could never have him in the way that I wanted him .. & so the limitations/boundaries of our relationship have – for quite some time now – felt like a form of rejection, which has fueled the feelings of unworthiness. Of course, because it’s therapy, I was also often getting the validation/support/love/care that I crave to an extent. Essentially, I created the perfect game for myself to continually be able to reenact all of my old attachment patterns & behaviors: testing trust, testing limits, clinging to suffering in the hopes of being rescued, seeing what I could get away with without pushing them away, etc.

This has gone on so long that my therapist has begun to suggest that I seek psychiatric evaluation because of the level of suffering it’s causing me .. but this suggestion came only after I attempted to have us adjust/end the relationship. My theory was that maybe I needed to change my C line in all this because intentionally subjecting myself to a situation that was intentionally leaving my wants/needs unfulfilled week after week was starting to take its toll on me. His theory was that maybe it’s just me.

I personally do not believe that these are chronic patterns of behavior or that I’m suffering an abnormal amount. I’ve come to the conclusion that I wasn’t choosing differently because I didn’t want to. There’s something about that game of wanting what I can’t have that’s appealing to me & it always has been. I even think I’ve learned to find pleasure in some of the pain that comes with this game.

I went to see my old therapist, Therapist B, whom I hadn’t been to in 3 years. He normalized me being in love with my therapist. Other than some heightened levels of anxiety surrounding the circumstances, he doesn’t seem to believe there’s anything “wrong” with me & agrees that it’s become an exacerbated situation. He said he thinks that Therapist A “fucked up” because he let this go on for way too long.

I’ve started seeing Therapist B again & plan to continue doing so. The decision I need help with is whether or not to continue seeing Therapist A alongside Therapist B.

I’m aware that I want to prove to Therapist A that I’m not crazy, thereby “getting him to like me,” thereby playing yet another game.

But I’m also finding some truth in that I think it’s important that we end our relationship healthily as to not have yet another attachment wound left unhealed, yet another person who “hurt me” to look back on with disdain/regret. I’m also working to become someone who can accept a relationship for what it is & not pursue the unavailable or try to change the aspects of a relationship that are unsatisfying to me .. & I figure if I see Therapist B alongside Therapist A, I can continue to expose myself to a situation where I can work to become that person .. where I can stop my games & become securely attached.

I told you it was a doozy! I kept this inside for a long time because I thought that it all sounded insane but yesterday a friend said to me “I think you think that you’re describing the plot line to Black Swan but really you’re just describing the plot line to an episode of Sex & the City” – lol. So I hope this isn’t “too much” for here. Thank you!