I’m doing Scholars, CCP and a therapy for a year. I was so jealous and insecure and having really hard time building my own life at 35 years old. So, all of this is really helping (and I see that I help a lot of people around me, even before but now that I have those tools that’s amazing!) but I still feel very insecure. We are discovering with my therapist how much my childhood was insecure in a very traumatic way, but I am trying to accept this and free my emotion about it.
We are working on buffering in CCP. I’ve smoked since I was 11 (I am French) and I try to allow some urges and reduce cigarettes.
So, all of the work currently feels like the river of misery, with very beautiful moments, and very desperate ones. So, I see I am very sad that my boyfriend doesn’t really offer support in this. I don’t ask, but I feel so alone. He is out from 8am to 1 or 2 pm almost every day, going to work, then playing sports, then have beers with friends. Sometimes he spends time with me but really not much. He has lot of responsibility at work and as a sport coach, which I understand. I know this is the moment for me to learn how to support myself. As a child I didn’t have any support from my parents. I have to learn how to be my own parent, right? And I’m doing the job. But how can I stop wanting my boyfriend to be with me in that? I know that more I ask, even if I say nothing, the more he is away. But I haven’t stopped that pattern, yet.
C – My life
T – I need support
F – Needy
A – Cry, sad, not really nice, nervous, tense, not focusing, make decisions for myself, leave or stay, not managing my mind to care of myself.
R – I don’t support myself.
C – My life
T – I find it so hard to believe that I need my support and that’s all.
F – Despair
A- Not wanting to do anything, stay locked at home, buffer with smoking, watch self-coaching videos, ugly and sad face all the time, wanting to stay in bed, don’t want to move anyway
R- I make it so hard to support myself, right?
Is everything that I’m sharing here buffering? Just not to take my own responsibility or do you see something else that I’m missing?
Thanks a lot.