I have noticed when I speak to people who are my ideals and I look up to them. I tend to turn into this people-pleasing person. I notice a change in my voice, and I feel like I become timid and more soft-spoken than I usually am. I give compliments – almost like I am schmoozing them to get them to like me. I do admire them for their achievements and skills, but I don’t want to feel less than. I feel it’s my conditioning growing up in ethnic society where I was trained to always respect elders, teachers, anyone who is older in age. Some of it is definitely a quiet sense of me still admiring the whiteness in them. I grew up in a society where whiteness was the epitome of success and by birth and with that skin colour – you are automatically hailed as “being ahead” in life.

C: Talking to someone I admire
T: They are white/know more/have more than I do, so they ARE more than me.
F: Submissiveness
A: I change my voice to please them, I lower my pitch, I become extra friendly and “nice”. I don’t refute, if I don’t agree. My mind is clouded with the thoughts “she is better than me.” And feelings of inadequacy.
R: I make them more than myself.

______

C: Same
T: Anyone’s colour, achievements and money doesn’t make them more worthy than me.
F: Confident
A: I act as myself, I talk like myself, as I’d do to my peers. I remain aware when I am falling into the tendency to please or feeling inadequate. I allow myself to learn and feel inspired without feeling inadequate. I dismantle hierarchies in my mind. I allow myself to reach for the same heights as them. I allow myself to feel as magnetic as them regardless of colour, race, ethnicity. I catch myself from thinking “Oh they won’t buy from me because I am not white, or native speaker.”
R: I create worthy results and show up as a worthy human being in every right.

Any suggestions on this model. It felt good to do this.