I am really struggling with boundaries, feeling feelings, and holding tightly to my story/circumstance as the problem. Basically, all the things that should help me.
My husband is negative most of the time and blames everyone else for his results. Today he said “nice guys [referring to himself] finish last. I have no benefits for being nice.” I took this to mean that he doesn’t value everything I do for him. This hurts. It makes me sad. Logically, I know that’s my thought. But between the daily comments he makes that I take personally, his dishonesty about his pornography use, my trauma with his anger issues (he has hit walls, but never me), and our lack of emotional intimacy… I fantasize about divorce often. I feel like there are so many problems not being solved. I don’t know what to do next because although I’d like to heal our marriage rather than end it, whenever I bring up how I want to work on our marriage, he checks out. He says I’m “too sensitive”. He blames his “hard day” for his complaining. He says its “normal” to have marriage problems and to be patient. He says he’ll get over porn on his own with time and doesn’t need a therapist/support group.
I want him to quit porn/masturbation for good.
I want him to be positive most of the time.
I want him to appreciate my sacrifice of time to take care of our child rather than do the work I want to do as a coach.
I want to not be scared of his anger outbursts.
I know I’m super focused on changing him. I feel codependent about that. I really believe if the circumstance was different, if I had married someone more positive or if he would change, then my life would be so much happier.
When I think this I tell myself that “everyone has something”. I try to believe that if I had married someone else, I wouldn’t have grown in this area and we’d have other issues.
I just hate how he whines like a toddler about every little thing.
When I do a model on this, it goes:
C- Husband says “stop whining” to our toddler
T- He’s a whiny toddler
A- Tell him, start a fight or distance myself and think about how I wish I’d married someone else
R- I’m whining about him like a toddler
I want to change this model and see if it improves my marriage, but I don’t believe any bridge thoughts I’ve tried like “maybe he’s not super whiny”. I also just can’t allow myself to be okay allowing “annoyed”. It feels wrong to be annoyed when I want to have a better marriage.
Just writing all this makes me want to “take the easy way out” and get a divorce. Which wouldn’t serve the person I think I want to be.
I get my own 1:1 coaching weekly, I attend a weekly support group for wives of porn addicts, I am getting certified as a coach and looking for ways to get support with childcare so I can work more often.
I just still feel so empty and hurt and unloved.
I want to be married to someone who loves me unconditionally. It doesn’t feel fair that I am learning to love him unconditionally when I don’t get the same respect.
Here’s another model:
C- He said “nice guys finish last, I always finish last and don’t have any benefits”
T- Everything I do is benefiting him, but he doesn’t see or care about having me.
A- Pout, Spin into more sadness in my mind, be in the same room not talking to him
R- I’m not caring about myself? OR He doesn’t see me because I’m not talking to him now
I don’t know what the result is here.
I don’t know what to do next.
I feel like I’m DOING all the actions and trying to change my THINKING with coaching.
Everything keeps going back to FEELING the hurt, annoyed, sadness, etc. I just don’t see how that will save my marriage, me just allowing these negative feelings, but not changing the circumstance.