Thinking about food and weight is taking over my life


In October 2019 I quit drinking after 16 years of daily heavy drinking with mostly white wine and gin and tonic. 5 years earlier my partner died of alcoholic liver disease and I was on a road train to the same place. I called myself a “functioning alcoholic” because I held down a job as a senior nurse with the Royal Flying Doctor Service of Australia. I am now 11 months sober.
In March 2020 I joined SCS with the aim of weight loss. I have been overweight most of my life. I am now 55 years old. Over that time I have lost and put back on (plus more) 30 kilograms four times. Three times with Weight Watchers and in 2010 with a lap band. When I sat and considered the history of my lifetime of weight loss I figured that almost to the year, weight loss is something that I do in a big way every 10 years. And like clock work I have now discovered that I am at the 10 year mark again!! Its at the beginning of each decade since 1980.
Since joining SCS in March this year I have lost 20 kilograms of my planned 30. I have fallen in love with the thought work and spend ever free moment working on my mind! The benefits have crossed over in to every single relationship in my life and in to my work as a nurse working with mothers with new babies.
The problem is, that my weight has been stable for the last 4 weeks and I still have 10 kilograms to go. This plateau has helped me to see that my weight loss to date has been motivated by the results that I see on the scales and the accolades that I get everyday from the people around me in my life. I have uncovered so many negative thoughts in the last 4 weeks and feel like most days I am distracted by an avalanche of thoughts and chatter about what I am going to eat even though I have made a plan 24 hours ahead of time. The frequency and intensity of this mind chatter is increasing and not decreasing as I thought it would. Up until this point I have been able to lose weight by sticking to my protocol and 24 hour plan eighty percent of the time. To move the last 10 kilograms and really get to the deeper thought work I know I have to shift gears to 100 percent and have realised that I don’t have the trust in my self that I want to have.
Instead of celebrating my sobriety and weight loss to date, I feel stuck in a private internal chaos of negative thought pattern and struggle focused on what I am and am not eating.