This month has been the worst that I’ve had since I found you. I’m a little fed up with myself right now. I have spent the last several months highly motivated and excited about my future. I decided to pursue coaching and I’ve been working practically nonstop in all of my free time doing the SCS work and writing a book. I have accomplished a lot.
But when I finished the first draft of the book, I decided that I was over working and wanted a break. I began wondering if I was buffering with all of this SCS work and future coaching plans because I was feeling a little obsessed with it all. So I slowed down. I stopped doing it in the evenings at home and in no time, I was buffering with food, alcohol, and TV. I’ve gained 5lbs and the TV show I’ve been binge watching on Netflix is playing in my brain even when I’m not watching and over all I just feel terrible. I’ve been grouchy and now with the weight gain I can add sad to it.
I’ve sat down every day and done the thought work to find the thinking that is causing me to behave this way. I even considered that it may be self-sabotage out of fear over the coaching plans because there has been plenty of that. So I did all the “so what” work on the fears. I think I am understanding what’s going on in my head and I am understanding what needs to be going on to fix it, but I’m in the river of misery unable to get there.
I want to run away from myself, but of course, there is no where to go. I don’t know what to do about this thinking brain of mine! I feel like it never shuts up and it is always arguing! I sit down and do the thought work and get myself in a better place every day, but by evening, I’m right back in the unintentional models. I feel tired of this 2 year old running around with scissors. There seems to be an endless supply of scissors and I am mad at myself because I know that I am the one supplying them. Actually, I’m pissed. I know better, but I am being so stubborn and unwilling…even when I can see that it is only compounding the negative 50%.
I was doing so well when I was over working all the time, but I don’t want to have to overwork all the time in order to be sane. I want to be sane even when there is nothing to do. Nothing, including models and thought downloads. But the brain never stops.