Thinking that mom is going to die of cancer


My mom has had cancer for the last 5 years. It started off as triple-negative breast cancer. She did some rounds of chemo and the cancer cleared up. The doctor said the next step was surgery. But she delayed it.

A low-life, faith-healing pastor completely brainwashed her and convinced her that her faith would heal her, if only she believed. No medicine necessary. If she wasn’t healed, it was because she didn’t have faith.

He was living at her house, 100% for free and freeloading for months. On top of that, she was paying HIM to be there by giving tithes directly to him, despite the fact he didn’t even have a church.

This went on for almost a year before the lump that had returned was too big to ignore. Instead of the surgery, she went to a health clinic in Mexico, where a few months later they operated.

To make a long story short, there were more instances of her waiting too long for treatment, and now she’s moved to Florida in a whirlwind move without verifying she could continue her experimental treatment here.

It turns out she might not as the insurance doesn’t want to approve it. She hasn’t been able to have any treatments in the last few weeks. Last time she stopped all the cancerous nodules came back and more in 3 months.

My thoughts are that it’s like she’s trying to die on purpose. She waited too long the first and second times she delayed treatments and that’s why it spread to the skin and then the lungs. It’s stage 4 because of that. She’s not responding to the old treatments anymore. This experimental treatment is the only hope. And she moved without seeing if they’d cover it because she was tired of living in NY and wanted to leave before the month was over?

Then I think about my 15-year-old sister, and I’m sad that she might lose our mom so young. And I think of my dad having to live without her. Those two go together like peanut butter and jelly. It’s all so sad.

I’m aware that any of us can die at any time, but her death seems so much more imminent and her life so much frailer because of her disease.

I don’t know where I want my thoughts to be in this situation and how I want to show up. Where do I even begin?