"This contract will be hell."


One of my goals for 2020 is to earn more money (I’ve been earning $10,000-20,000/yr for over a decade). Most of my (meager) income from the past few years has been from a yearly contract in my highly technical profession. I don’t enjoy this work but it’s my best-paying earning opportunity in the short term. The contracts are usually restricted to about 3 months of the year, ending on March 31. My pattern in the past (every year) has been to plan a work schedule for myself where I work a certain number of hours per day. Then I have not followed my plan, procrastinated terribly, buffered on the internet for hours a day, felt terribly ashamed, not exercised, buffered through food and gained weight, let the home get dirty and messy, didn’t spend time with friends or do fun things, talk constantly about the contract and how hard it is and how much of my time it’s taking, and not kept up with paying bills and other household responsibilities. Sometimes I don’t meet deadlines and feel like this is a catastrophe, and experience more shame. I have felt in victim mode the entire time.

Now I have an opportunity to do TWO contracts of this type, but both have March 31 deadlines. Since these are the only earning opportunities I have for 2020 so far, I think I should accept them. But I am terrified of entering this self-imposed hell again, based on past evidence. I feel like I would be miserable being in procrastination mode. I also feel like I would be miserable if I did do 8 hours of billable work a day, and not have time to do SCS or exercise or anything for my mental health.

I can see that I have developed beliefs about myself and my ability to do these contracts. I can see that I have created my past results. I want to believe that I could have a different experience of doing this contract if I could manage my thoughts and feelings.

UM:
C contract
T This contract will be hell
F Dread
A make work schedule, don’t follow work schedule, buffer with food and internet and alcohol, think about contract all the time, wallow in shame, don’t exercise, don’t spend time with friends, don’t take care of home, don’t take care of household, be grumpy with family, make excuses, look for evidence that I can’t do contract, work very long hours as deadline nears, think of myself as being in jail, don’t work on my blogging business (which isn’t earning money yet)
R Self-created hell

IM
C Contract
T I can take care of myself while doing hard things {but I need a ladder thought to get there :/ }
F Motivated
A create work schedule with early deadline for myself, put work schedule, self-care, blogging, and responsibilities on calendar, follow calendar, allow urges to buffer (internet, eating, drinking), self-coach and get coaching when I don’t follow my day’s schedule, catch up on the weekend when I get behind on work schedule, accept discomfort, look for evidence that I can follow my work schedule, remind myself that I want to earn more money
R Take care of myself while completing contract by deadline