This months work and going back in time. Feelings-wise.

Although I’ve been in therapy, it still hits me hard the questions in this month homework. It’s not that I wasn’t aware, it’s more that writing it down again makes me realize it still hurts.My parents didn’t ever were intimate with each other when we, 3 siblings were around. My mother told the 3 of us from a young age she regretted marrying my father and having children. She had planned a totally different life for herself. (I’m 53, she’s 78). My mother has never told me, us, she loves us. I don’t write it to complain, it explains a lot.

At primary school I did have friends. At high school I only had one best friend, and from when I turned 15/16 I had mostly male-friends. I wanted to be loved, liked, was looking for that through the attention of these boys. It didn’t (of course) work. I have felt lonely, not good enough, not loved all these years. Also during university. When I got the attention for my looks I told myself I loved them/liked them and was always in a relation.

When I think of this period now, it makes me feel sad and I still can feel the lonely-ness. The not-connection, the people pleasing. And although my life is completely different now. I’m married for many years with a great guy, have a great son, love my siblings, love my 3 girlfriends that I’ve for more than 25 years. I still think often “I should have more friends”, or “other women seem to have groups of friends and I’ve 3 girlfriends, is something wrong with me?”.
In my actual family we do say we love each other, we compliment each other, we’re open. And I really like that. The atmosphere in my home now can’t be compared with the one I grew up in. I try to think and feel ‘a la Kate Byron’ Everything has exactly gone as it should have gone, because it did. And I see how by evaluating, therapy and my work now in SCS I’ve learned so much, and am different that I was a a youngster and student at college.

C. Years between 15-25 old
T. I didn’t listen to my inner voice
F. Shame (also regret)
A. Try to hide, cry, relive in my head, blame
R. I don’t listen to my inner-2020-actual-voice

T. I’ve learned so much from those years so my contacts are deep and true
F. love
A. Express my feelings, listen, have attention, forgive my mother, have compassion
R. I’m connected