Super things you wrote here.
Here is what i’ve figured out and what i still need help with.
1. I noticed that earlier and sometimes still now my fear of having to leave him because of this lack of feeling i have for him (even i i dont want to) is leading the way to reach my goal. but as i now know its only a fear i can only see it as that an not making it mean more. And so i can concetrate why i want him to be my person.
2. Reasons why i want to make this relationship work:
– if i can make anybody the love of my life i want it to be him. It would be soo great! Can you imagine to make such an awesome man/person the love of my life! It gets my excited that it is possible.
– because i can and i want
– i also believe/guess that for the lifestyle and mentality that i have i want such a person next to me. A person who pushes me and still supports me. Who is genuinly good and adventerous and fun. Simply special. Why do i have to give that up? Only because my weird brain has some thoughts error that try to convince me that i need a person who is calm, secure, etc. So he can be the love of my life.
-the only reason i would break up with him is the lack of feeling of this attraction and because my brain still feels attracted to a person who feels “above” me. Who i look up to.
– and i now believe that if i would leave him and have such a person it would last 3-4 months and then i would see how shitty it really is. And then my brain will maybe be convinced that we want something else. So i want to skip all that shit of leaving and recognizing it after 10yrs. I want it to be now 🙂
So with knowing that i have that fear of having to leave him because of the lack of feeling and seeing it as only a fear makes me calm and i can concetrate on what to work on. And with knowing that i have power over how i feel. I feel secure in my decision that i want to be with him. I was scared earlier because i thought i had to leave him because hes simply not the right one. Now i know i can make him.the right one.
What i need help with is this:
I feel like at the moment my brain still thinks that i need a man who i feel attracted to meaning a man i look up to, who is mysterious, who is charming etc. But still wants me. To make someone the love of my life. (I think it has something to do because its more rewarding and exciting and dramatic)
And as i don’t feel that YET with my boyfriend, because he’s fun, easy, loving. Just simple and healthy. I feel that he’s not enough. i feel like i can’t give him the position of the love of my life. I feel like he can’t get to that “position” or he can’t be that siginificant without these qualities. I make him less important in my mind.
And i know i do that. I know that.
I just don’t know to switch this. How can i make that shift happen?
When i think of a mysterious man who challenges me in way that is dramatic, charming etc. It makes my heart beat faster, and makes me feel drawn to him. I feel more connected, and i can seem to see him more as the love of my love because of these feeling/thoughts it brings up.
And with my bf its just like”yea, he’s amazing but its just not enough”, everything is colored in light colors, and its simple. And something is missing. Its easier to imagine him to only be this amazing guy but its just not enough.
Its easier to tell myself stories about how hes not enough. Its easier for me to detache from him because i dont feel drawn to him like i would have with another guy. Which btw in my mind is darker and more passionate.
How can i truly feel more attracted to his characteristics? I know i want to.
How can i give him more segnificance and more credit as the love of my life?
I think we are really on to something here!
Would love your help! Really!