This & That

I have a circumstance keeping me awake at night. I thought download & model both but i still continue to loop it over and over in my brain. I also know that some of these feelings i need to feel and that doing the model doesnt instantly mean these thoughts and feelings go away.

Ive written before about my daughter. Shes 24 years old and has had 3 double lung transplants. Besides taking her anti rejection meds on time every day and washing her hands a lot and being aware of coming into contact with contagious people, the 3rd most important order of business to keep her lungs healthy is exercise. There will not be a 4th time double lung transplant. Her doctors want her pushing her lungs cariovascularly 5 times a week. Her 3rd surgery was just 7 months ago so its important NOW to push with exercise to pop open all those small little airways so that her lung function percentage raises. If not, narrowing can happen which could lead to rejection. She has taking her meds and washing her hands down to a science. But she exercises maybe 5 times a month. This is causing so much arguing between her and i. My fears awaken because my thoughts automatically go to: 1) shes jeopardizing her health 2) she lies to her doctors about how active she is 3) her not exercising could kill her 4) shes not honoring her donors life 5) im so scared im going to lose her.

I have tried everything from lovingly encouraging her, to screaming at her, to asking her if she has fears around exercise, offering to exercise with her, and even doing the model with her. Every conversation ends with “you’re right mom, ill get better” and nothing changes. We have a PFT machine at home shes required to use twice a week and document. This measures her lung function. Shes staying at 54% lung function. Her numbers arent rising because shes not exercising. So she has proof right in front of her eyes that her numbers are not moving.

Heres the thing, im fully taking responsibility that this is me having a manuel for her and that my biggest fear of losing her is the driving force behind it. Ive done models of how i want to think and feel but none of them are believable. My thought always comes back to: i will never be ok with her not exercising and how angry i am that shes not doing the work. Novembers class on allowing negative emotions was great work on this circumstance but im just exhausted. This loop is just completely tiresome.

Hope you can help!