Hi Brooke!
This is my second month with SCS. I’m already seeing the positive changes. Someone brought in cookies to work and forced me to take one. It’s been sitting on my desk all day! The old me would have eaten that cookie, gone back for several more, and spent many moments thinking about getting more cookies. I can’t believe how little time I’ve spent thinking about food and the “willpower” that I have!! THANK YOU!

So, my problem…I’ve had a difficult relationship with my older sister my entire life. It’s not due to any significant event. The strain began in high school when I was more popular and did better academically than she did. The relationship continues to be strained because I’ve achieved more than she has personally and professionally and I believe she has carried this jealousy for decades. In the last 5 years, I supported her through her battle with a very rare cancer, which left her physically disabled, was there for her when her young son (only child) committed suicide, and I helped her get a better job where I was employed. I’m not a people pleaser, but in these instances I knew she needed me and I was there for her. I’m certain that if the roles were reversed she would not have supported me.

I recently took a new job and moved out of state. From the moment that we purchased our house, she has been bugging me to come visit. She doesn’t ask how the commute is going, how the kids or husband are doing, how I like the job, etc, but rather badgers me to commit to a weekend that her and her spouse can stay (and their intention is not to help with the move-in). I honestly don’t want her to come because our family wouldn’t enjoy their company; I see her and her spouse at Thanksgiving and that’s enough. I have tremendous guilt about it because I feel like I’m being self-centered about what I want and because my Mom sees this as neglecting family.

I feel a lot of tension about the situation due to feeling obligated to be the better sister, but resisting and not wanting her to visit. I’ve tried to thought bridge the scenario, but I can’t get to a place where I would welcome her for a visit. So that leaves me with the model. Here’s my unintentional thought pattern:

C: I don’t have a good relationship with my sister
T: She’s never cared about me (I did get as far as she cares about the kids and my health in the thought bridge)
F: Resentful, guilty
A: I don’t reach out to her
R: I don’t have a good relationship

Intentional Thought Pattern
C: I don’t have a good relationship
T: I don’t have to be the better person in our relationship
F: Free, but still feeling guilty about my Mom’s expectations
A: I don’t reach out to her
R: I’m not her support system, and that’s OK

Please critique the models and help me see where I can tweak the tools to get to a better place.