I am working on the thought that creates the emotion. We just got home from a charity event, it is 10pm. My 14 year old son has a friend over. I start to make them cookies. My husband comes into the kitchen and says, “crazy idea, but do you want to sit by the fire pit?” I say, “I’m making cookies”. He says, incredulously, “You’re making cookies??!” and disappears upstairs. I put the first tray in the oven and go upstairs. I said, “why did you disappear?” He said, “I have a few emails to catch up on.” I said “must be important satuday night emails” (yes, snarky i know, but not said in a mean voice, very neutral tone:) I said, “why didn’t you stay with me in the kitchen?” He said, ” I wanted to do something fun together”. I said, ” so spending time together wasn’t the priority.” He said, “i don’t think making cookies is fun” I said, “I’m trying to make our guest feel welcome” He said “you’re making cookies because it makes YOU feel good”. There is so much layered in this, but I’m trying to back up to my thought that drives my emotion. My thought is, he doesn’t value me. My emotion is upset. I can change my thought…he doesn’t see a need to make people feel welcome?? I don’t know how to change my thought and come up with something that aligns with a positive acceptance of his take on this situation. The only thing I come up with is emotional distance so I am not hurt by the fact that he only wanted to spend time together in the way HE wanted, and what I valued (making a guest feel welcome) didn’t have any value. We easily could have sat together making cookies — me doing all the work, and then waiting together for them to cook. How do I align my “thoughts” with the differing values without the conclusion of emotional distance??