Thought Downlaods, reviewing and lying

Hi Brooke!

I am wondering about reviewing…. I have been keeping a running list of my new chosen thoughts so I can remember them. Do you review past thought downloads or do you just keep going?

Also, when I am writing my thought download I often write bullshit, as in I call bullshit on my thought, my brain seems to be particularly skilled at writing the “best case answer”, writing for me has been a goal, I am practicing writing…..and writing the truth. Fear surrounds writing because I’ve had my diaries read by people who should have never been reading them and so when I was in high school I stopped writing anything down. So I find when I write I write as if “just in case this gets in the wrong hands”, I know it’s happening, I can’t seem to convince my brain that it’s okay, let’s just write for the hell of it and see what happens. Ugh!! Even as I am writing this I’m conscience of the fact that someone else is reading this… I choose my words very careful. Here’s what Ive learned: I’m obviously not trusting myself, I’m afraid of judgement (from myself and others), Questioning as I type now, am I afraid someone…. what knowing the truth of my thoughts? Well yes! I was great at journaling my shit growing up until that got me into trouble and I was told I was horrible to write all that I did. So I filter….. I don’t want to filter. I have been practicing. I freewrite (thought download) where I tell myself it’s ok, we’re just gonna write whatever (sometimes I need a prompt to get me started), then when I read what I wrote it’s like reading something from someone else… I have a disconnect with the words, which is weird. I feel like it’s progress just being able to freewrite, but I want to be able to read what I write, identify with it and then decide what my beliefs are, for real without just automatically dismissing them as wrong. My brain is very skilled at this, I want to be able to outsmart myself. 😉

I am NOT going to reread this, just gonna send… I on the right track? Do I just keep practicing writing and not worry about what’s on the page?

Thanks Brooke, you rock!

Kari McLean