Thought Download (TDL) and models about urge

My abbreviated TDL is: “All I want to do right now is eat. I keep thinking about the cheese curds in the fridge. I feel like I am just counting down the minutes until it’s dinner and I can eat and go to bed and do it all again. I did a meditation and I believe I should feel better because I am a regular meditator and do so much self-care. I’m feeling discouraged in dating while I felt good yesterday. I can’t ever seem to get all my shit together. I wanted Friday to be perfect and now it definitely won’t be. I wish my hair were more blonde, I look ugly. Tonight is just such a waste of life. I come home, eat, go to bed, that’s it. I waste my life obsessing over trying not to eat fucking cheese curds. I feel so tired of trying to make things happen. I sound like a broken record. I just can’t get it all together, and I’m so tired. I can not eat the cheese curds, but then I’m just stuck with myself – exhausted, uninspired, unmotivated. I don’t want to feel this way. I should feel better. I shouldn’t be so tired. I shouldn’t feel this way.”

The main feelings I have are uninspired, exhausted, unmotivated, and I have ‘fear’ because I feel like I’m stuck doing the same shit over and over again never making any progress.

C: 20 minutes of meditation
T: I should feel better than I do
F: Defeated
A: I curl into a ball, crave food and warmth, I write models, I criticize how I feel and “want” to change how I feel, I don’t do anything different
R: I don’t feel better

I think what is important for me here is to bring compassion. I don’t want to feel tired, I don’t want to rest. Resting makes me feel like my life is passing by. However, it makes sense that I’m tired – I was up at 5am. It makes sense that I want food – it’s now almost 5pm. Nothing really has gone wrong here, the only thing that’s gone wrong is that I think I should feel differently. But, I feel like I have to be “GETTING SOMEWHERE” to rest, rest just isn’t a good option. I need to be productive. But the truth coaches, is that I am very tired and probably need to rest. Physically, yes, but I also need my brain to stop beating me up so that my spirit can rejuvenate. Actually, I think that’s 90% of what I need – my brain to stop beating me up so that I can recharge.

I know that “I want to do something different” is a thought that feels good. I would like to have a new relationship to the feeling of fatigue.

But my brain keeps coming up with more things that I should stress out about. One thing after another, my brain offers me more thoughts.

Another thought that kind of helps is that “I can let myself off the hook tonight” for worrying about those other things. Yeah, I can let myself off the hook for those things.

I think I want my brain to come up with some creative solutions here. I know I might just need to ‘feel exhausted’, but I want my brain to stop being so mean to me.

“It’s possible that it’s okay to rest” …maybe, but I really just feel like I should be doing something/working.

Really, I believe that ‘it’s possible that it’s okay to rest only if it increases my productivity tomorrow’.

I’m exhausted to the bone from this kind of thinking.

I think I need some bridge thoughts here.

Starting with “I should feel better than I do”
Ending at “I rest, relax, play, enjoy life, and trust that all is well”

This is hard for me. I clearly buffer with constantly working. But I’m so tired I don’t think I can do it anymore. But, I feel so worthless if I’m not working or trying to get somewhere. Though, I can see that beating myself up about it isn’t helping. Maybe I need another bridge:

Starting with “I am worthless if I don’t get things done”
Ending with “I am 100% worthy as a human no matter what I do”

I can work on those bridges. But also, see how I just created some work for myself to do? 😉

Open to feedback.