Thought download… what’s next?


I had a conversation with my father where I showed up not the way I want to. I said mean things to him and was very reactive. here was my thought download after that happened. What would be my next step? Models on all these thoughts? Here is a model on the thought that’s feeling like the ‘umbrella thought’ and an example of a intentional model but it’s feeling not big enough for how much I’m suffering with the unintentional thought and I can’t stop the ruminating. it feels way bigger than just the conversation with dad.

Unintentional:
C: conversation with father about car purchase
t: I’m a horrible person, i can’t even have a normal conversation with my father
f: angry
a: beat myself up about the way i showed up, ruminate about all other ways I’m a horrible person, unable to attend to my to-do list and falling behind on business / self-care, want to check-out /numb (but meditating and coming here instead)
r: continue getting triggered by dad

Intentional
C: same
T: i’m learning to be more patient and open during conversations with dad
f: unsure
a: take deep breaths during next conversation, allow space to not say anything
r: have a slightly better conversation?

Thought download, pre-model:
i can’t talk to my dad without yelling at him and getting angry
he makes me feel like i’m an awful daughter and person / i make myself feel like i’m an awful person.. i’m just projecting
he makes it seem like i can’t do anything right / i tell myself that i can’t do anything right… i’m just projecting
i take my fears and anger out on him, he didn’t deserve it, i really am an awful daughter and person
if i can’t even have a normal conversation with dad, how will i ever be a good partner
i’ll be alone forever
he brought out fears about $ which turned into anger
i hate theoretical conversations. he’s telling me that i’m not doing the right thing but not suggesting the right thing or giving any valuable advice other than what i’m doing is wrong
i hate feeling like this
i hate feeling like a loser, fuckup, worthless person
and my thoughts are what’s making me feel that way
if i didn’t already think that, my convo with dad would not have triggered me
but i do and it did and now i feel like an awful daughter