Thought downloads and discomfort


I’m struggling with the gap between what I plan/want to do (should do) each day to shift my life forward vs what I end up doing each day. Even when I do manage to take some action as planned, it feels small and insignificant – nowhere near enough. I’m still giving in to buffering – I seem to feel like I take a few steps forward with not doing this, then regress backwards, hugely. And I’m so much more conscious of this now too. I watch myself and feel like I’m split in two – the person who has all these goals and wants to change, and the person who is struggling to take any action, and ends up being frustrated and disappointed in themselves because they never do enough. My thought downloads seem to constantly be expressing this, and I end up feeling more and more ashamed, and angry with myself, because the distance between where/who I am and where I want to be just feels so uncomfortable. I know what I need / want to be doing, but haven’t got myself to the point of doing it where I can feel any kind of progress or optimism.

Is this the normal process – that this work makes you recognise more clearly where you aren’t congruent with who you want to be? At the moment it just feels so uncomfortable and upsetting that I almost want to stop, because observing myself just makes me feel worse, it’s not yet leading to any real change.