Every time I do a thought download at the moment I am finding myself aborting them half way though because I tend to start spiraling. Here’s an example:

This morning I had a difficult situation come up with my boyfriend. I mentioned about it being our 2 yr anniversary in the summer, and when he pulled up his calendar he realized he was at a stag weekend over the dates of our anniversary. I’m not sure if he’d just forgotten or if he was waiting to break it to me, but I felt really hurt in that moment and rejected. I asked him what they were doing and asked if they were going to go to a strip club and he said probably yes.

Being totally honest, I don’t like strip clubs. No judgement to people who do, but for me, the whole tradition of guys getting lap dances before weddings is messed up. It feels like cheating. I feel so upset by the thought that I’m going to be alone on our anniversary while he’s out with the guys getting drunk and looking at half naked women. I don’t want to give him some kind of ultimatum about going because I don’t want him to feel controlled and I also don’t want his friends to think I’m uptight or controlling either. But it goes against my values of faithfulness and it’s something I would never do if it were the other way around.

I closed down a bit from him and became very icy. I didn’t want to be unloving towards him or to lash out, so I went upstairs to do a thought download and while I was doing it I just found myself getting more and more upset, angry and feeling a bit out of control. The process of getting all my thoughts out meant I went into a really big spiral. And that felt awful. So I ended up giving up on the TDL, didn’t get to do any models, and spent most of the day unable to focus and still mad at him and hating myself.

This seems to happen a lot particularly when I’m in a place of heightened emotion.

Any advice on this?