Thought neutrality vs. boundaries


Hi! I have a brother that has an extensive manual about how I should be behaving and the things I should be doing for him and his family, he has gotten so angry at me for not complying that he has banned me from his home and blocked me on his phone. I am not privy to the rules in the manual until I have disappointed him enough times for him to yell at me, and then I get long, angry text messages full of criticism. This last time I even got yelled at for not attending a party we weren’t invited to, and not babysitting my niece even though he’s never asked me to.

I am not interested in participating in the bizarre (and long-standing) dynamic with him anymore. If he changes his mind and attempts to contact me and bring my family and me back into his fold I have decided to establish boundaries around what behavior I will tolerate; I will reengage with him only if we work with a counselor on improving our relationship.

C: Brother has banned me from his house and phone
T: I do not have to go back to an unhealthy and abusive relationship so I will establish a boundary for future interactions.
F: Sad but relieved
A: Distance myself and create a boundary with brother that I will only participate in a relationship with him if we work with a counselor on improving things.
R: Currently I do not have a relationship with brother.

I’m new to setting boundaries and I want to make sure that I am:
1. not trying to control his behavior, and
2. that I am not just avoiding the situation instead of feeling the feelings.

Can you find any weak spots in my approach? Anything else I should be considering here? Distancing from family is such an uncomfortable prospect, especially when the general message in society seems to be of overindulgence when it comes to their behavior. My role in the family was often the one of peacemaker so I am spending a lot of time sitting in the discomfort and fighting the urge to try to proactively “fix” this. Thanks for your help.