I have recently posted on ruminating thoughts about thinking of my face as ‘fat’ when rewatching Coaching sessions, and that thought interrupting the flow of my note taking & learning. There are also ruminating thoughts about being ‘unlikeable’.
I have done further work on this as I’m discovering (to my dismay!) that this thought of ‘being unlikeable’ runs deep and affects many things. Thinking of my ‘fat face’ when watching myself being coached is part of it. There are other criticisms my mind very easily just throws at myself! It surprises me how present this is, when in fact I have a happy life, am well connected to my community & family, focused and very happy in my career, and self-compassionate in many ways. Yet this pesky thought about being ‘unlikeable’ persists! And I suspect may be a central reason why I haven’t taken my career to the next level – I worry what others will think perhaps.
Here are today’s models to continue on this. Any feedback would be great on how to take it further.
(start with T) unintentional
C: watching myself on coaching video
T: I see my ‘fat face’ and think I am unlikeable.
A: (what effect does this have on you? what do I do? )
ruminate on ‘fat face’ and ‘unlikeable’
ruminate on how the coach may see me
links to other thoughts / memories / experiences around being ‘likeable’
interrupt my flow of engagement in coaching session itself or rewatching it and taking notes
sometimes behave in less natural ways – watching myself
R: a less accepting, focused and flowing engagement with what I do, good work I am doing on myself gets sabotaged
(intentional model, start with R)
C: weekly coaching calls & then re-watching and taking notes
T: when my mind throws the thought ‘I’m unlikeable’ or ‘I have a fat face’, I tell myself this is what my mind is used to sometimes doing
F: kindness to myself
A: when my mind thinks ‘I’m unlikeable’ or ‘I have a fat face’ acknowledge and accept this is what my mind tends to do. Note and then let that go
Continuing work in my journaling and coaching on what I’m making ‘unlikeable’ mean and how it affects my life: in what areas? not just in coaching – in friendship? in work? in family? in how I see my memories?
R: using coaching sessions and general Scholars process with self-compassion and focus