Something Brooke has said in the past stuck with me: our results, including how many friends we have, is something we have created for ourselves. I have a belief about myself that I destroy most relationships in my life. This started in middle school for me when I was bullied, and now I bring a lot of fear into new friendships with other women. I do not trust easily, but I also trust too quickly in a way (sharing my thoughts before I truly know if someone is trustworthy and then having anxiety over whether I can really trust them).
I notice when I believe all the things I typed above that I don’t have a desire to have friendships. Here is the model for that:
C: I notice myself reflecting on past relationships.
T: Few of those relationships were positive experiences.
A: Avoid past friends who I feel hurt by, become apathetic about neutral friends, not make new friends, rely on husband, family, and coworkers for social interaction / validation. Rely on coaching for validation. I do not have fun with other people. View other people as a danger and source of anxiety. Doubt that I can be a “non-awkward” friend.
R: I reinforce the belief that friendships aren’t positive experiences.
My question is: what if it’s objectively true that I suck at friendships? What if there’s something fundamentally flawed about me that I can’t have satisfying friendships? I’m so confused by this and I appreciate any pointers on if this is within my control to change or not. Thank you.