Hello, I am in the process of divorcing. I’m trying to figure out how to describe the C just as a C…. we currently engage our lawyers for everything from finances to me getting the master passcode to my front door which my husband took with him when he left. At least weekly there is an exchange in which I ask him something, he does not respond, I ask again until he responds, usually a number of hours later.
At any rate I have thoughts that my ex-husband is a pain in the butt, and I think this thought is one I want to keep, because I was making myself way too vulnerable when was trying to be vulnerable and I need a more protective stance to be good to me…. Maybe I will be able to move beyond this at some point, but this is just the background. We are also in a custody dispute, that is we do not agree on custody, both wanting more.
I have 4 and 7 year old daughters. Especially the 7 year old can get argumentative and say things like “you made her sad” when her younger sister is getting limit setting. This morning they did not want to eat breakfast, it was time to eat breakfast in order to complete it and get to school distance-learning class on time. The girls didn’t want to eat breakfast then and I wanted them to because I wanted my daughter to be in her class on time. I like my reason for thinking it was time for breakfast.
However there was pushback from them, then me, my younger daughter started hitting me, I worked to avoid getting hit. In the end my older daughter was yelling at me.
What I am struggling with is this:
At moments I had the following three thoughts which bothered me:
1) She is just like her dad.
2) I should just let him take them more.
3) I should just bring them to his house right now.
I do not think I would like the R of the action of speaking these aloud, it would not be good for my girls.
In the instance of today, 5 minutes later we all calmed down, connected, and got to our morning routine cheerfully, but in the moment of intensity, it was very hard for me – I felt so angry/overwhelmed/hurt/frustrated/sad/scared/incapable/defeated that I didn’t feel as if I could do the kind of parenting I wanted to do.
I’m looking for a replacement thought… maybe “they are having a hard time.” Or “we are all having a hard time right now.” Something I could think in the moment that would help me feel less overwhelmed, beaten up, discouraged, and unable to do a good job.
An Unintentional models:
C: children say words, hits me
T: she is just like her dad
A: thoughts in head of bringing them to their dad’s, of giving up on trying for parenting time, of giving up on parenting them at all because it is a lost cause – they are ruined.
R: feel crappy, I’m being just like their dad? (uncaring, rejecting, unsupportive)?
An intentional model:
C: Children say words, hit me
T: they are having a hard time
A: ???I’m not sure what action I would be taking
R: I’m not sure what result I would get
Is there more I am not seeing?