Thoughts about life during COVID-19

For the first time in a very long time I have had a lot of time to think and to analyze my thoughts.

Before COVID-19 I was always on the go, travelling somewhere, working long hours, catching up with friends etc. My life was busy and there was little time for me to think about things or pay attention to my feelings.

During COVID-19, my living situation has changed (went from having a housemate to living on my own), and my working situation has also changed (I used to work in an office and travel a lot for work, but now work from home). I have spent a lot of time with myself over the past few months with very little outside distraction.

I have realized that I always have my own back no matter what the circumstance and I have used this time to learn to love myself exactly how I am and not be so critical of my flaws, but rather embrace them. I have also began standing up for myself instead of pleasing others to avoid confrontation. Now I simply say how I feel but in a way that aligns with my values and beliefs. I have had friends and family disagree with me, but I have been okay with that. This is a revolution for me as I would usually panic and become upset if I upset someone. I have also cleaned up my diet and have stopped using food to avoid discomfort. I am working on drinking wine, and am getting better on only drinking when I have decided to ahead of time but still have a way to go.

The isolation has brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings and I have realized that I want a lot of things out of life.

I want to find true love again, someone to share my life with. I am very happy on my own and am very comfortable being on my own, I have a good thing going and I want someone to share it with, not to make me happy as I feel like I am happy and loved enough already, but I’d like the companionship and the sex.

I want a new job. My job is fine, but it doesn’t excite me anymore.

I want to get rid of my credit card debt (I feel like this is a barrier to me moving forward, and it’s the first time in over 15 years I have had credit card debt and I don’t like it)

I want to complete my degree.

Thinking about all of these things, or the lack of these things makes me feel really anxious (a tight feeling in the chest that never leaves) that eventually moves to the pit of my stomach and just sits there. Because of the feeling I find myself taking no action and wasting my time on unnecessary activities.

When I think about the things I want, my brain tells me that because of COVID-19 and the current state of the world I won’t be able to have these opportunities, so why bother trying. But then last night I had a thought about what if it is not COVID-19 that is holding me back but that I am just using that as an excuse. What if it is me that is holding me back?

How do I change my thought process to take massive action on all of the things I want?

I feel stuck on the action side of things, but alive to understanding the thoughts I am having and for the first time in weeks my anxiety seems to just sit with me, not suffocate me.