thoughts about my weight pt. 1

I weighed more today than yesterday (C) and felt the feelings before I noticed the thought. So I had to work backward into the T line.

Some of the immediate feelings I felt were shame, panic, and defeat.

Some of the thoughts that come up: it’s going to be all downhill from here. Why can’t you get this right? What is wrong with you? Get control of yourself!! You’re never going to get this. You should just give up. Your body needs to be hidden, your thighs are far too big, you have way too much cellulite, and it’s going to be all downhill from here. You’re not trying hard enough, you’re not doing it right.

C the mass of my body was 1.8lbs more today than it was yesterday
T you’re not trying hard enough
F panic
A plan to fast today, take an adderall to suppress my appetite
R keep trying harder and harder and harder in a perpetual cycle that is never enough – since MAYBE losing weight isn’t about trying hard.

C the mass of my body was 1.8lbs more today than it was yesterday
T You should be ashamed of your body (omg – this is the covert message I think I got from my watching my mom as a child, as well as every mass media message out there! I can see, for maybe the first time, that this thought is completely separate from the fact that i weighed 1.8lbs more today)
F shame / self hatred
A spend the day hating myself, just getting by, in my head, beating myself up, feeling shame, withdrawing from others, pinching my skin, disconnect from my inner self, and probably eventually decide on a new diet or plan to “fix myself”, looking at my fat body in every store window,
R I continue to believe that there is something wrong with me that warrants shame or hiding from the world; I absolutely kill the light of my spirit from being alive in the world.

I think the shame comes first – then the panic.

In all my 36 years of dieting and hating my body, I don’t think I’ve ever been so clear on how much the thoughts I have about my body are hurting my inner child / soul. I’ve been struggling with how to “love myself”, and will share my next model because I think it is an important bridge.

I do a process called “inner bonding” to feel my feelings, and to reintegrate parts of the feelings self that I’ve been disconnected from, I find it works well with the model. The first step is to ask the inner child what I’m saying to her (thoughts) that are making her feel ashamed / embarrassed.

Thoughts: “You’re telling me that my body is disgusting. That my thighs are too big, that I have too much cellulite, that my body is a problem that needs to be fixed. You look at my body with disgust, and I just want to be able to run and play. I didn’t know that my body was so bad, and still remember when I learned that it was bad, I was shocked. I felt blindsided. I didn’t know that I was supposed to hate my body, I didn’t know I should have been hiding it, and it has already been exposed. I feel embarrassed and desperate to change, so that I can go back to doing gymnastics and skating and wearing shorts”.

C I become aware how much my body-shaming thoughts are hurting me (my inner child)
T Wow, I am so sorry that I have been treating you (inner child) this way
F Very sad
A Apologize to my inner child authentically, for unknowingly treating her in such a hurtful way. Ask my inner child what she needs from me.
R Establish a connection with my inner child, and learn from my feelings HOW to love myself.

I have some more models to do here, but right now, I’m just going to apologize to my inner child. I already feel some relief from the shame, and the panic has mostly subsided.

I think my next step, which I’ll do in a part two, will be to ask my inner child what she needs from me (T), and learn FROM my feeling-self (inner child) what action I can take.

Just sharing. I’ve had some issues in the past with trying to ‘thought-swap’, which is why I’m focused on going more deeply into the feelings. I think it is important, and so far has been helping.