How do we break down models when we have SO many thoughts and all of them are related to the same thing? I found myself spinning today, triggered by a text for a lady I work for and feeling SUPER resentful of her. Based on previous conversations we have had where she’s made comments such as “Money is not a problem” and “GREAT!” in response to me telling her I am available x amount of hours per week and me asking how many she wanted me for, her response was “as many as we can get.” I just now started feeling like we had a good routine going and she sent me a text telling me I’m breaking her bank and we need to get on a set number of hours and a set rate (even though I’ve been doing a set number of hours for the past 3 weeks and it’s always been the same hourly rate that I requested).
I had a lot of thoughts about that, but then realized that all of those thoughts actually came from another thought I had which was based on the information I was given, it sounds like “She’s going to reduce my hours.” I guess technically since it hasn’t happened yet, that’s actually just a thought. But that thought made me spiral into these other thoughts like “I’m tired of this (because it’s not the first time she’s suddenly changed something on me when I had other expectations from our conversations),” “What am I going to do now?” “I just got comfortable and made a new budget.” “I can’t handle all these ups and downs” “I’m not going to have enough income” “I can’t keep doing this” “They have so many problems” “It sure looks like they can afford me”
Mostly judgement, resentment, and worry. But now I’m seeing how it’s more of thoughts upon thoughts, yet I don’t what I can choose to think differently from “she’s going to reduce my hours.” And then IF she reduces my hours, it triggers all those thoughts for me that are causing my anxiety and uncertainty and resentment because I think the way she’s communicated with me is unfair because my income depends on this.
Intellectually, I recognize my income depends on me, but even that thought terrifies me because I think that the only way to earn this type of money again is to bust butt and the idea of busting butt AGAIN right now sounds exhausting to me. I want money to be easy and I want a lot of free time and I can’t figure out how to get myself to believing that that is an option for me!