Thoughts on $200k vs $50k

I’m going to ramble a bit in hopes that you can see some thoughts errors I’m not able to observe myself.

I want to quit my job in order to take some time off, explore my interests, and eventually start a business. I don’t need to work anymore. I am financially stable. I’m not going to “need” to get a job later to pay my bills any time soon. I am a bit concerned about potentially not being able to buy _some_ things, for example an expensive house. I can still buy property, but it may not be in the area I’d prefer. So I’m still a bit torn about that. When I am in the feeling of being ready to leave my job, I also know that I’ll be able to create more money in my business at some point, and so if I wanted to buy a more expensive house, that’s available to me. But, right now, it feels like it’s a slight potential risk.

Anyway, that’s the background. I’ve worked diligently at my own thought work to arrive to this new set of beliefs – that I can quit my job, that I can take time off, that I can start a business, that I can make money, that I am likely to be able to buy a house, etc.

And now here’s the a plot twist: if I stay at my job for an undetermined length of time of a few months, I may be eligible to sell some stock. And with that sale I may come out with $100k-$200k – also an undetermined amount of money, but around that range.

What my brain is telling me about this situation is:
It’s better to stay and make $200k (aka I should stay) (F: pressured)
$200k will help a lot with buying a house (F: frazzled)
I’ll be better off with $200k than without it (F: anxious)
I should take this easy money / I shouldn’t refuse this easy money (F: foolish)

I am noticing that if the amount of money was smaller I’d have a much easier time turning this situation down. If the amount was $50k, or even up to $100k, I’d think thoughts like:
$50 is just not enough money to worry about
It’s not worth it to stay working for just $50k

This is making me think that the thoughts I have about $200k are just thoughts, and I could have the same thoughts about $200k as I do about $50k, aka “$200k is just not enough money to worry about”.

I’m not really buying that $200k is just a circumstance. I’m not really buying that it’s not a “big” amount of money (…yet).

What I think I discovered is that my belief in making money and it not being super hard to do is getting in a way a bit here. I think that starting a business and making money will be so difficult, much more difficult than these few months of staying at this job. And I’d be foolish to stay and give up this “free money” than to go and try hard to make money in another way. I don’t find my job very difficult to do, but the image I have of the business is that it will be a struggle.

Another thought that’s holding me back is that my belief in actually making more money is wavering. Like sometimes I believe that I’ll be able to make money in my business, and sometimes I don’t believe I’ll make any money at all. And not believing I’ll make money makes me want to stay for this $200k, since I won’t be making money later anyway.

The interesting thing about that is this $200k is not guaranteed in any way: there is no timeline set for it, there’s nothing I can do to have it happen or not (it’s someone else’s decision), it’s not an exact amount either. All very similar things to the business – there’s no telling how much, when, etc. So it’s like I’m willing to be here in this uncertain situation (not knowing how much, when, or even if it will happen) with the job and $200k, but not unwilling to be in a similar uncertain situation in my business. I find this really interesting. I think it means that I think the $200k here is just more likely than $200k in my own business. My model on that thought is that it’s a bit sad, having such little belief in my own ability to create my results.