Time Away With Just My Sisters


Hey Brooke,
My mother is 78 years old with a myriad of health problems, in addition to being extremely obese. She is not very mobile, although she can walk by herself, but she is very unbalanced and it is painful for her to walk very far. We push her in a wheelchair for any walking outside of the home. She just moved in with me at the beginning of the year after living with one of my sisters for several years, and the plan is now for us to take turns having her live with each of us 3 sisters as long as we are able to care for her.

One sister texted yesterday and wants to plan a trip together, something we have done intermittently in our adulthood. We have always taken our mom with us and both my sisters feel like it would be rude to not invite her and we can’t be mean and leave her home (providing a caregiver for her). Having her with us drastically changes what we can do, and even changes the freedom we have to really discuss our lives and what’s going on. I am craving sister time, but it doesn’t seem worth it to me for the hassle to take our mom and I know from past experiences I would come home resentful that we couldn’t just go do what we wanted to.

I FEEL SO SELFISH! Especially since both my sisters seem to be on the same page about including mom, and I am irritated at them that they don’t feel like its okay for us to take time away just for the 3 of us. For the record, I have ALWAYS felt like it would be okay for us to have “just sister” trips and they never have.

Here’s what I’ve been trying to model…

C time away with my sisters
T I don’t want to bring mom. I just want time alone with them. I would rather not go if we have to take mom.
F selfish, resentful because I feel selfish, irritated at them that they don’t think its okay to take time for the 3 of us
A avoid planning a trip, stew about it,
R no trip, continue to be resentful because I don’t have time with them and they don’t think we deserve it.

In trying to figure out what I WANT to think and feel right now I don’t seem to be able to get past just feeling resentful and irritated. I realize that I can’t change how they feel or what they believe is right. Every time I try to model this I end up making it about my mom and how I should feel towards her (situation is temporary, someday she will be gone and things will change, grateful to be able to care for her now as she did for me when I was a child, etc.) instead of about my sisters. and it should be about my sisters, right?

I tried this today but I don’t feel like it really solves anything, and i’m still feeling all the negative stuff. Maybe nothing will solve anything because the situation with my mom just is what it is.

C time away with sisters
T I appreciate how considerate they are of mom. Our time is limited with mom; someday she will be gone and getting together alone won’t be an issue.
F thankful for them, but still hugely disappointed that they don’t see things the way I do (this is wrong I know…the manual thing…)
A No trip for now, look for ways to connect with them long distance, and when I take mom back to visit them.
R enjoy whatever interactions I have with them, even with mom there.

I get that I am probably just going to have to live with the disappointment, but do you have suggestions for how to make this model more constructive for me? I really don’t want to feel resentful towards my mom or my sisters.
Thanks so much.