Time to Think Things Through


I am alone at home for a night and it is a relief.
I woke up at 3 AM immediately feeling angry at my husband. I felt it in my chest. I am pissed off that I must switch my thinking to this thought: only I can make myself happy. I don’t like that. I want HIM to make me happy by being how I want him to be: observant, grateful, expressing appreciation, expressing desire, expressing being tickled I am his wife. Groovin’ on me.
Of course, it doesn’t work that way. For a long time, I have invested heavily in it though. So, I feel very resistant to letting my M.O. go even though it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work and I don’t want to let it go even though it doesn’t work. I’m beginning to see the absurdity in that.
So, now I look at why. Why am I so intently holding onto something that doesn’t work for me? My guess is that I am used to not getting what I want. I grew up that way and have internalized it as normal. It is not normal. It is a thought I believed. Realizing that makes me sad and angry and pissed off and ornery both at my mother and husband and also at myself. Now, the thing is not to become judgmental but to observe my thinking with compassion. That is also a struggle for me. I have always been very hard on myself. I always felt, as a person, on some level I fell short in the value department, that I was not worthy on some nebulous, indescribable level. That I deserved being judged.
New thought: It’s going to take practice to simply notice when I am not getting what I want and instead of diving in with the reactive stuff to get curious about why. I understand this concept. I feel afraid I will not do it well enough which, as you know by now, is part of the I’m not good enough stuff. So, I commit to doing my best, whatever that is, to exercise my curiosity, to notice my annoyance and anger as simply feelings that I have, feelings that are not me, and to look at the thoughts that cause those feelings, which are also not me. Me is the person writing this letter to me.
C I am home alone
T My husband pisses me off
F Angry
A Consider it an invitation to investigate why
R I feel heard by me and that feels good! I have a bit more clarity and control over how I want to be in life. I feel ready to move on with my day. And, yes, I feel proud.