tired of always trying so hard

Hi…..i have been working on allowing urges to binge for 2 years now in scholars i have made great progress in that for the first 6 months i didnt even know what “allowing” an urge meant…to trying and failing repeatedly….and then to being successful at allowing my first urge….was monumental for me and that was about a year ago. Each time i binge i look for a NEW solution…ok ill journal or ill decide my food in advance….ill do something ive been resisting. Now ive run out of tools! I have used them all and yet i still end up bingeing every 25 days or so. I am much much better at allowing urges…..but recently i have been under tremendous pressure with an issue with my child….so although I allowed the first few urges ……as the pressure mounted so did the urge to relieve it with cake/candy……5000kcal worth!
C: intense urge to binge
T: this will solve everything, i must do it
A: massive binge
R: pressure relieved

It works…..the intense pressure and pain is gone and i do feel better…..yes i feel badly that I disappointed myself,that i gained weight and of course my LONG TERM feelings will NOT be better BUT in the moment…..I DO feel better…..as im eating the most delicious raspberry crumb cake im thinking…..yep this is it!! So simple…..just be like everyone else….fat and happy! I am thinking i feel like im out of the cage….of having to TRY so hard all the time….using all these TRICKS…that yes work when u work them….but maybe i just want to be like everyone else….eating my way thru life, oblivious. Help….thank u