I was looking at my relationship with my parents and thought, I was not taught about love and connection and taking care of someone.
In short, my father was not there and my mother was loving in her own ways but it was very different than that love that I see my gf has for her child.
As a result, my gf has expressed frustration when I don’t do things she expects me to know how to do when it comes to relationship and parenting.
This has lead to alot of thoughts in me around not being good enough and will never automatically know what to do.
Here’s the model
C : She told me things (for context, without pure circumstance this would be ‘she critisized me for how I handle or don’t handle parenting and relationships’. I see ‘She told me things’ as pure circumstance but not specific enough so… She said words about my parenting and relationship skills? She gave me feedback? )
T: I’m not good enough / I’ll never learn this (i know, i know, only 1 thought per model but for brevity 🙂 )
F : Hurt
think about it,
compare it to all the other times I “failed”,
have thoughts of running away and this relationship never working,
think about how I was never taught this stuff as a kid because my family wasn’t as loving and connected as she was.
R: I’m not living up to my full potential I’m not showing up the way I want
My Intentional model. (This is cool I started with the Result which was a first for me and very powerful)
C: She told me things (i.e SHE SCREAMED AT ME !!! (just kidding, thought it would be funny )
T: Shes hurt
F: Compassion for her
A: Apologize (because she’s frustrated), explain the situation (am I explaining how I didnt know to do X things because I was never taught (this sounds like an excuse). Own it.
R: I’m living up to my full potential, I’m showing up the way I want, I’m proud of myself for learned all of this and coming so far
The A line is not clear to me. She’s got a manual for me on parenting and relationships. At this moment, I don’t know what loving her and explaining to (or not) to her so that she doesnt blame me for not thinking of something I was never taught to do. In the past I’ve apologized (profusely) and said I’d try harder but I realize now that I’ll never think of all the things and do all the things that she’s expecting me to do.